my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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