Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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