You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
