What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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