my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
