I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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