Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
