I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
