i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
