Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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