Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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