The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
