He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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