he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Everclear isn't food dammit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
