i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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