Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
