He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
