perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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