Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had sex on a roof
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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