how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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