One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
