Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?