I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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