I want to stick my p in your. b.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
