i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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