Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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