sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
