I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
