I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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