she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
