I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
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I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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