then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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