I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
