Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
