Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
