i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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