Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
