You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
