Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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