a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
