Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
