I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
