Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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