I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
