I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
