I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
