Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
