From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
