I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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