Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
