I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
