She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
