who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
