FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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