to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
