Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
