if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My breath smells like gin and sadness
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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