My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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