I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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