just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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