theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
