So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
