i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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