i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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